why the fuck do i write such long blogs?

and why the fuck do i get things so damned wrong so i think that my one (i thought) proper friend might actually call me after the most traumatic week ive had, probably in the past five years, if not ever. but no, i just get given a telling off. its not my bloody fault my body's shit.

i hate being me.

mrgle

*pained whimper*

Yes, I am fully aware of the fact that I have fucked up again.

There is however no need to bitch about it behind my back.

Especially if you've been ignoring my attempts to help you and at least be on neutral ground.

You know what, if you had been there, if you had at least tried, you could have the right to say something about it, but you don't actually have a fucking clue what you're talking about, so just
go away.

video blogs = evil evil nastiness.

crack

its been just over a week since my last post, in that week a fair few things have happened:

I moved house
I got involved with another guy, got completely confused, semi-using one, and just getting pissed off my the other because there's just so little actual understanding and lots of thinking that he does.
I got all confused over friendships
I went on another date with Allan
I got really pissed off at people who don’t know why I get so pissed off at being patronised at disorganised events ran by people I really really don’t like anymore.
And of course the best thing is that I got 'withdrawn' from college

so, recap over these wonderfully brilliant events...

I moved on Saturday, into a house just down the road from eth college (thought it would be good- cycle to college and the such) I have the attic room, which is really nice, if not a little weird - the walls/ceiling (they’re the same ting after all with it being an attic) are covered in blue carpet - the cheap crap blue stuff...hm...Still need to get some muslin or something to cover a few sides, might make it a little brighter and stuff as well... There are five other people in the house, all really nice, I keep describing then as geekygoths...they’re all one or the other or both!   
I've been getting a bit pissed off at the house, because, well, it's not the cleanest house in eth world, all  the rooms needed was a good hoover to make them look better, so I've hoovered the kitchen and living room so far. I'm going to really clean the bathroom - there’s loads of lime scale ( I think) so need to get some stuff to clean it from round the taps and shower etc...Just needs to be done properly the once and it won't be hard to keep on top of it.
Also need to finally sort out my room at some point...sort out boxes hang up clothes etc.
I went into the pound shop and a bargain shop on my way back from town today and got more glasses and some coat hangers, a nice non-mouldy shower curtain and stuff, so gradually making (cheap) changes/improvements.
So, yeah, I've moved house.

I've got involved with another guy - tis all confusing and overwhelming, and what him being my housemate it gets even more confuzzling and horrible to try and understand...I’m really very scared I’m just using him, which isn't very nice of me, and which he doesn’t deserve. Strangely he knows allsorts of computer-y people who are Quakers too and it was all a bit strange finding out who we know in common and the such...


Allan and I went to the cinema and for food last week...Wednesday night...I got ticket so go to the preview of Memoirs of a Geisha, so we went to that. Big drama getting there 0 I got the tickets on Freecycle, so had to go and collect them from Selly park (two buses away), so, running late (just for a change), I went up to get the buses, waiting for ages, and then grabbed the two buses I needed, walked up to the house, got the tickets, cut across the pathway to get to the street, promptly fell over a plant pot! straight onto my knees and hands (thankfully I was wearing gloves so my hands didn’t get hurt too much - just a bit achy for a while afterwards) my knees really hurt and I couldn't exactly look to see if they were hurt (was wearing jeans) so I just carried on to the bus stop. Got there, really really achy legs and quite painful to sit down properly (strange angle of knees). waited for eth bus...by this time I was running a bit late, but would get there if a bus came soon...so the bus came, big relief...I jumped on (slowly due to ow knees) and was sat down fretting for a bit then heard a 'thud'...a lorry had gone into the bus!! it scraped the edge and took the side mirror straight off...so the bus followed eth lorry for a few minutes , then let us all off so we had to wait for eth next bus to come along to take everyone into town - thankfully the buses weren't too full. So I got to the cinema eventually, met Allan, we went in, and because we were late I pleaded with the ticket men to let us in (on the ticket it says that no one will be admitted after eth film has started). We got in though, and were thoroughly confused for about half an hour-as we missed the first ten minutes or so...vital ten minutes it seems! then we went to the green room restaurant in the Arcadian, which was nice; he kept looking over my shoulder and getting distracted so I thought that maybe I was ranting too much and he was going off me...he walked me home from eth bus stop, and had a quick nosey round eth foyer and common room at college, then after a goodnight kiss went home...I didn’t hear from him till later the next day, so thought he was cooling off or something, but he texted and said he had a really good time and wanted to do it again sometimes etc etc... he’s texted me about going out a few times since...to go out this week and next week to go see grease the musical...which I would love to see, and would like to go out with him again, but I’m all confused over the whole situation with everyone and everything.
I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I don’t want to...o I don’t know...argh!!

WN was interesting...its really made up my mind about not going on any projects until after the autumn. It was (in my opinion) patronising, disorganised, and certainly not the best of fun I’ve ever had on a Leaveners project. Breakfast is apparently obligatory, although the other meals weren't; all (most) of eth facilitators nagged and stuff about bedtimes, getting up late in the morning - although both days they woke us up when they said breakfast was starting, not the fifteen minutes before that they said they would, but no, they couldn’t have admitted to anything like that. Saturday night - traditionally the night when everyone who wants to, stays up late, catching up with friends, chatting etc, and well, all the facilitators basically said to us that we have to go to bed and stuff by 11:30...to which we all disagreed and started discussing. in the end, we all had a group meeting (participants0 and decided that it needed to be discussed with the facilitators - so me, matt and Rachel went and said that, you know, we're all responsible to know that we have a business meeting in the morning and that we need to be awake and stuff, and pointed out that it said on the group contract to agree to bedtimes, but then they were never discussed or anything. turns out that the facilitators were going to go round, turn all the lights off at lights out time, then basically ignore anything that happened - like us getting up again and stuff. so they expected us to be dishonest and go behind their backs. patronising and ridiculous. other than that it was strange to see some people, and it was very upsetting that I didn't get to spend time with matt, that he promised he would, what with us not seeing each other for over 5 months and stuff, but yeah, that didn’t happen, I got really upset about it after they left. I got a lift back with Janet, which was good. When packing up the car, discovered that a chuck has broken off the front of my keyboard - which I lent to the Leaveners so that Rachel x could teach some songs from George and the chocolate factory. very very annoyed by that.

Tuesday was definitely the best day...
I had a meeting with Alex and Michael from Fircroft - which I thought was going to be a meeting to say, you know, get your work in this week or you're going to have to leave kind of meeting...turns out they left that one out and went straight to the 'I don’t see nay other option than to withdraw you from eth course' meeting.
apparently I was supposed to interpret this passage:’ I will also arrange for you to meet with Michael Conway-Jones very early in the new year to assess your academic  achievement at that point and to discuss your future on the course'     - that was my last chance 'get everything in by 4th Jan or you'll have to leave' warning....I read it as what it says - that I would have a meeting with them, to discuss my future - give me a chance to ask for some more support, maybe them offer some or something. But no.
They cited academic grounds (the only reason they can give where I don’t have a right o appeal conveniently), but there is a general feeling that it's not just that - after all there are other people that are nearly as behind who haven’t even got a warning. When I got back ,I started to say to a few people about getting worried that the science gcse equivalent course wasn’t going to happen, and that I was going to see if I had a legal standing to kind of make them do it for me - cant get into uni without it so kind of important!.
They heard that, and several people think that’s one of the reasons they withdrew me. they are pressurizing Becky to sign a piece of paper saying that she’s said she’s going to have a gap year so doesn’t need to do the science - when she's never said that.
I'm writing a letter to the governors of the college, with the support of the student rep and the two student governors, so hopefully they will be able to have a look at some things that went wrong - major lack of communication and all that kind of thing.
so, anyway, I’ve been looking at other courses...there are a few access courses that start this term, but the Bourneville one (looks fabulous) is full, with a waiting list for the waiting list which is crap...the Solihull college one starts in February and I have an application form in the post for it (hopefully) and *fingers crossed* I can get onto that one. If not, I am on the list of people for the course at Bourneville that starts in September..And there are a few other courses I can do this term...there’s a teaching assistant one which could be good for uni as well. If not, well I’m fucked basically. I have no idea really what social services are going to do...I really need to write them an email to explain, but keep getting stuck.

Went to meeting on Sunday - saw people, got cinfused, so I left rapidly to avoid crying at them

Last night was a good night though...I went up to Doncaster to see Mundy-Turner, who were fabulous! They did a chronological set, along with some new stuff which was really brilliant as well!
bit of a fuss about getting back - was crashing at my uncle Barry’s house - but my phone died on the train up so had no way to contact him to confirm I was defiantly going up. So he was already in bed when I phoned for a lift, and eventually got a lift off a guy at the folk club, after being offered lifts by Cath, and also an offer to stay at theirs that night - which I really really wish I would have taken them up on, but ah well.
It was a fabulous gig - despite the huge headache I had - and it was fab o see them again
I cane back on a train this morning, slept for quite a bit of it - haven’t been sleeping well the past week or so with all this stuff going on. Then went and did some bargain shop shopping - got some stuff for the house, and also a mirror for my room as it doesn’t have one and I didn’t bring my old one with me. also some stuff for my hair - to get all the build up out of it, so hopefully when I dye it at some point this week it will turn out ok...still undecided whether to go more willow colour, or too brown...am edging towards brown, and then if I get fed up with it will be a  less fucked-up base for eth willow-colour.

It’s been a long week.

My back hurts a lot, and I'm really tired, I think I shall go see if my washing has been done, then go and read...

toodle pip.

I give up.

im going to scream, i dont want to be herem i dont want to be anywhere, i wnatto hide under a duvet and not come out for  along time. i cant cry here becasue theyre not cryong kind of peopel and i really want a hig and to be able to cry with someone who gets what im talking about when i say im petrified about going to college tomorrow. i dont want to go, and im really scared about it.i cant fit all my stuff in bags, i havent done my work, i havent packed, im going back to that fucking place tomorrow, i still need to have a shower, i need to get stuff from storage but dont know how, i dont want to go back, i jsut pissed off dot and im trying not to cry incase someone come sin and im fucking failing miserable like at every other fucking thing. to quote myself.


fuck bollocks shit i dont want to do this.

So, it's now 2006...it's rather strange,a dn it doesn't feel like a whole new year, but there we go...
I'm still here in Llnadod, currently at the table in teh family room...am supposed to eb doing work, but I've only done 300 words of a 600 word review of a film, that i havent seen in about a month, and i've said i can bake when ive done 600 words...but im completely stuck! eep!!I want to do some baking!
anyway...i've been doing a rather lot of thinking about allsorts of things, and i think i've sorted things out in my head, but i think i'll see if i really have next weekend, as i've decided (if there are spaces, which i think there will be) to go to whatever next...which is going to be good i'm sure,a dn ill jsut keep my mouth shut when it comes to certain things.see, look, no specifics or anything.
i'm going back the day after tomorrow, which is really rather scary, but i guess its got to happen...hopefully teh panel that are meetinga bout funding my accomodation will say yes to funding it and ill be able to move out! they meet on 4th jan, so *fingers crossed*.
new years last night was nice...was goingto go to a party here, but then decided to stay in instead...twas me geoff and di, flo and oli, and dot.we played a game (settlers of catan) and then watched the fireworks on tv, and then watched two episodes of firefly, which they're all jsut getting into...whcih was really cool...
i keep forgeting to update this blog instead of teh oter one, tis strange
my knitting is coming along realy well...im knitting a scarf for my mum, adn its got some ribbing on it and im making some baby booties aswell...
anyway, i think maybe i shoudl get on with this work ,i have to hand it in when i get back...maybe teh 4th coz i have to print it off and stuff, but yeah, i need to finish it asap!
hope alls good and all tahst stuff...
toodle pip

Hello...
I'm sat in teh living room at Dotty's, attempting to work on my college work, and failing miserably!
I've been up for an hour and a half, which is brilliant because I actually managed to get some sleep, and not wake up early and the such.
Yesterday was good, I helped with dinner, me and Dot made some aubergine and courgette rolls (with feta/mozzerella and tomato in them. they were nice to make, and everyone else seemed to enjoy them - i didn't personally, but ah well.
Spoke to mum on the phone. I had to call her, it wa really strange, becasue usually she calls wherever I am in teh morning or early afternoon, and in the ens I called her at about 6:30. She sounded a bit disheartened, or jsut impassive...i got a bit upset. I think she might eb being a bit funny about me being here untill term starts, instead of up with them. I'm going to see if i can go up for a few days before term starts, it woudl be nice to stay there for a extended stay aswell...we'll see i guess.
Presents wise I got some really nice stuff, fab notebook from dot, a mr men magnet make your own set thing from flo, some gorgeous handdipped candles from bethan, adn loads of knitting stuff from di adn geoff...all teh girls at teh greaves have started knitting, so we all got knitting orientated presents! it's agood job i knit really!! (Di did check with dot though!)
I'm stll really tired, but its lovely being here! I miss friends, but I guess tah was going to happen anyway...I havnet had a reply from some people to my happy christmas day text type thing, but ah well i guess.
i should be doingw ork, buti might read for a bit and then do some reading of the research i've done/am going to do (honest!)

toodle pip.

my head hurts and i feel like crap.
i was just looking at the jyf photos from teh bournville one last weekend, and now i miss people...this is not good.
i need to sort out all my stuff, and figure out what im taking to llandod  with me, and what i cna leave here (well, at rachels-strangely - good strange, butyeah, anyway) i also still have some presents to make, although i did finally get a present for fred g, so thats good.
i wanted to go to tesco aswell...fuck.
i'm getting the train at 7:33 in the morning, which coudl be interesting.
my head hurts.
ow